How to Wake Up Early in the Morning (When Societal Obligation Forces You to Against Your Will)

Materials:

  • The dreaded alarm your iPhone blares at you (bonus points if you haven’t changed the tone in so long, the sound makes you jerk like you’re coming out of a trance if you hear it in any other context)
  • A warm, comfy bed you have no desire to leave
  • A coffee maker of some kind (I’m a Keurig gal myself)
  • Willpower

Steps: (You, too, can wake up at a time not at all desirable to you!)

  1. At the sound of your alarm taking a sledgehammer to your pleasant dreams, bend slightly upright and glare in a direction of your choice, eyes squinting.
  2. Glance at the time on your phone, as though there is some possibility your alarm clock managed to change itself in the night, and you were, by some horrible but easily remedied mistake, woken three hours earlier than needed.
  3. Realize that it’s really 7:30, and you actually do have to get up.
  4. Slump back down into your bed in a huff. (Note: This is far more effective if you additionally snuggle down into a comfy position, and continue to glare at nothing in particular.)
  5. Allow the realization that you cannot enjoy your bed any longer to fill you with a combination of genuine anger and dread, as you pull from the still sleeping corners of your mind in which your motivation lies.
  6. Tell yourself you really can afford to sleep an extra ten minutes, and fall swiftly back asleep.
  7. Once again enjoy the immortal classic “alarm tone 3,” this time sitting bolt upright.
  8. Allow your fury at the audacity of “alarm tone 3,” the university system, and that horrid 8 am class you know will never once serve you in the future to fuel that now growing motivation you were beginning to prod awake at first toll of your alarm bell.
  9. Recall the cup of coffee you will receive as an award if you get out of your bed.
  10. Emerge from your fortress of pillows and blankets, triumphant: for today, you have won.
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